Transgender to Transformed

I would describe myself as a disciple of Christ; but it wasn’t always that way… I spent nearly twenty years of abject, intentional rebellion against God, nearly 9 years of which I lived as transgender. I hated God, I hated my family, and I hated the person I was. It wouldn’t be true, though, to say I hated myself: I loved myself probably to the point of narcissism. I worshiped at the altar of self. The problem was, I worshiped who I wanted to be and who I believed I was, and not who God created me to be.

The thoughts and feelings started early in childhood from a misunderstood relationship with my mom, believing she loved boys more than girls because of how differently she treated my brother and I. She was extremely religious and exhausted herself trying to be the perfect Christian. But in the mean time was agitated, irritable, and often didn’t want me around as I was hyper and likely on the obnoxious side. To reinforce the sting, I learned my mom had miscarried two boys before me. When i excitedly said one day “Hey, if my brothers had lived we would have five kids”, it was met with a devastating blow: “No, we only wanted to have three kids. You likely wouldn’t be here if either of them had lived.” I know this was meant to tell me how much God must have wanted me to be here. But i felt guilty. My brothers had to die for me to be born… I became even more confused when I was molested at the age of eight and became very sexualized. I spent the next 25 years trying to get fulfillment and love through sex. In high school as men objectified me (and women in general) more and more and I began to believe it was a disgusting, filthy, worthless thing to be a female, I decided that I was supposed to have been a man and began the journey of “transitioning”.

But after years of hormone therapies, a double mastectomy/chest reconstruction, the removal of all female organs, and all of the legal name and gender status changes, I was empty and broken. I was devastated to realize that none of the changes I was making had actually made me a man, and I knew they never would. All I had done was change the outside. So then I felt trapped in a world between male and female. I truly believed I was not a woman, but I knew I could never be a man, no matter how badly I wanted it. Instead, I lived in a world of lies, suspended in limbo between reality and fantasy. I wanted to erase the existence of Laura so badly that even after realizing I could not be a man, I decided to hide and pretend and be the “best man I could be” rather than embracing myself as a woman. It’s funny: in the first months of my transition I often described myself before “coming out” as having been wearing a mask of a female identity, but that no one but me realized it was a mask. Just three years or so later, it was my transgender identity that had become the mask.

What had promised to be freedom had in fact become my prison cell. I soon became enslaved to wearing clothes that never fit right, injecting myself over and over with needles (hormones, not recreational drugs), and wearing prosthetics that were a constant reminder of how fake it all was. As the years went by God gently drew me back towards Him. He never let me forget who I was, no matter how hard I tried to forget. My mom refused to call me Jake and her stubborn insistence on calling me Laura was a tether to reality for me. At the time I hated it, but it became a lifeline.

Though my relationship with my parents had been almost non-existent for years aside from the occasional phone call or dinner meeting, my mom asked me one day to make a website for her Bible study that she was teaching. I agreed, though I had no interest in Bible study, because she agreed to pay me for it and I needed both the money and the experience. Little did I know God would crumble my walls of prideful defense that had kept Him on the outside for so long. As I read the words in the lessons (to make a summary for each one), the ice that encased my heart began to melt. For the first time in my life I began to see God’s love and faithfulness in His Word. Over the next few months I began to call my mom every day after work. She patiently answered my questions about the Bible. One day I said “Mom, how did I get here? Six months ago I was 180 degrees from where I am now. All I want is to learn more about the Bible.” She said, “I have been praying that God would draw you back like a magnet.” And that’s exactly what He had done! What’s more I realized that the angry, stressed-out, exhausted legalistic mother I grew up with, had been completely transformed, and her religion had been exchanged for real faith. She was now filled with the Holy Spirit rather than rules and fleshly attempts to please God. And the moment I saw the complete regeneration in my mom, was the moment I knew that the gospel was true. Not just true intellectually, not just true historically, but that Jesus was indeed alive and that it was deeply and profoundly real. As a result, I whole-heartedly gave my life to Christ. But God wasn’t through with me.

I wanted so desperately to be a man of God. And I tried convincing myself that God had intended me to be a man. Maybe it was a birth defect or something like that. I could not face the fact that I was a woman. But through Dr. Everett Piper, a man I heard consistently on the radio over the following months saying “We are not just made up of our feelings, instincts and inclinations. But we are made in the image of God and we can choose our behavior, despite how we feel.” I didn’t want to admit he was right. But I knew it was true. And as I began to wrestle with this and admit that my lifestlye was a choice, the Lord began to reveal the ugliness and the insanity of being “transgender”. He asked me one night: “If you stood before me tonight, what name would I call?” That question stopped me in my tracks. I had hoped so desperately that God accepted me as Jake. But then in the most loving voice I have ever heard, the Creator of the Universe whispered to me, “Let me tell you who you are.”

I was hit so hard with conviction and I was so desperate to get out of the transgender lifestyle, but I was afraid it was too late. I had lived in complete stealth as I called it: no one except family and my partner knew I was transgender. I didn’t know how to fix it. So over the next month I cried out to God with all my heart, begging Him to take my life. Due to the conviction, I suddenly felt a break in the fellowship with God. Though I know He never left me, the peace and comfort was gone. I felt like I had fallen into a deep, dark pit from which I could not escape. But when I was finally desperate enough that I was willing to do absolutely anything to be free, I had a clear vision of Jesus getting down on one knee, reaching into the pit with arm outstretch towards me and asked, “Do you trust me?” I knew He was asking me to leave everything and follow Him in faith. I said I did, and I walked away from everything I had known: my job, my partner of almost 9 years, my financial security, and my entire identity to follow Christ.

Over the next few days I cried uncontrollably. I felt completely dead. In fact, the first day, I went back to my apartment that afternoon. And after nearly a decade of being together, most of that in that apartment, my partner hugged me and I felt like i was in the arms of a stranger. And that night as we watched a movie in our living room, I felt like I was in a hotel room. I asked God what was going on and He said “I have cut the cord on your old life and you are not going back.” As hard as that was to face, there was comfort knowing God was in control. It was still my decision, but I knew I would never have peace if I stayed. So, the next day I returned to my parents house where I had agreed to live for the next few months while I transitioned back. But after three days I went with my mom to her Bible study. When I walked into the room I was met with more joy, hugs, and overwhelming love than I have ever known in my life from women I did not know. Those women had prayed for me for years and were so happy to see me come home. I was so overwhelmed with the love I received from women, affirming me and loving me as a woman, that my heart was completely transformed and the belief that I was meant to be a man vanished. And the very next day we went shopping and I embraced buying feminine clothing. But there would still be a path to wholeness, to truly love being a woman.

That was about two and a half years ago, and in that time God has peeled away the layers of the proverbial onion. He has helped me understand the causes and has healed me and brought forgiveness and wholeness to my heart. He has revealed His heart for women and how wonderful His creation of the woman is and how beautiful it is. For the first time in my life, I not only love being a woman, but can truly see what a girl I was all along. Memories of my “girliness” have flooded back and i can see this is who I was all along. As He says in Psalm 139 “14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. 15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.”

By Laura Perry

I am a former transgender set free by the resurrecting power of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.

12 thoughts on “Transgender to Transformed”
  1. Thank you for that testimony, Laura. God has called you to a very important and difficult ministry and, as I’m sure you are aware, the eyes of the world will not receive you or your message kindly. Never mind the critics, you have a unique testimony for the world at this time and I pray for you to receive the strength that you will need and the boldness (yet meekness) that you must maintain. Thank you for the courage and commitment you have shown through your testimony and I pray that God blesses you with the peace that passeth all understanding and that He uses you mightily for the glory of His Kingdom and for the furtherance of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Love in Christ, Jim

  2. This…is sad. I hope you realize how much harm you are causing to youth that are legitimately transgender. Just because this is your story doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone else. Please find another way to spend your time. All you’re doing is giving transphobic parents false hope and encouraging dangerous practices such as conversion therapy.

    1. I am sorry you feel that way. I know first hand that transgenderism isn’t real. It’s a dissociative disorder. No one is truly transgender. These youth are mutilating their bodies permanently for something that will never bring true happiness or freedom. It is not biologically possible to transition. This is a known medical fact and is the reason that years ago Dr. Paul McHugh had the gender reassignment surgeries at Johns Hopkins (where it was really pioneered in the U.S.) shut down. I know many who have come out of transgenderism. There is hope and freedom from that lifestyle. The power that raised Jesus from the dead can overcome any pain or any desires we may have.

      1. So why is it that they are performing gender surgeries at Johns Hopkins now? Why are they performed at the leading medical institutions in this country? Why is it that transgender communities report vastly improved mental health outcomes when they are provided with the medical treatment for gender dysphoria?

        You were likely never legitimately transgender. You were just sad, disturbed and looking for meaning wherever you might find it…and right now it is in Jesus, in your past it was trying to connect through a community you weren’t actually a part of.

        But, truly, why does it matter to you what other people do? If you have found happiness or freedom in Jesus…great, good for you. I’m not trying to stop you from loving Jesus. So why are you trying to influence what other people need to find peace in their life? I am not hurting anyone, so why would you try to put fuel on the fire of parents dealing with a transgender child and best navigating how to love that child dealing with the struggle of being trans (the inevitable people that end up on your site).

        For the parents that find themselves here–trust, love, and know your child. Your child knows themself best. I am 29, I transitioned 7 years ago and I only wish my parents had listened to me when I was young and insisting to them I was a boy. Transitioning has given me the freedom and happiness that I didn’t think I would ever have in this lifetime. I am able to love and learn and take part in life now in a way that I never could before because I was so deeply, deeply sad and anxious knowing that I was a man in my head but not knowing how I could ever become that. My family talks about how they feel like they can actually get to know me now, whereas before I was just a shadow of the person I truly am. I am fully stealth (not out about being trans) in my day to day life, I just get to be the man that I knew was deep inside of me. My only regret is not transitioning sooner, if I had known that this kind of full and robust life was waiting on the other side I would have mustered up the courage to come out and transition sooner. I was so terrified of my families rejection that I waited for years and years until I couldn’t take it anymore and had to tell them.

        And, yes, I have had surgery and I function as a man in every way except I cannot have biological children. Medically transitioning has brought me alignment with my mind and interaction with society in a way that I needed. I get that not all trans people do, that is fine. Surgery of any kind is no walk in the park for anyone so I certainly think that if you don’t require it don’t get it but I did.

        1. At one time I was very much where you are at now. I did not understand any reasoning for my desire to transition. I was absolutely 100% convinced I was supposed to be a man. I believed, in fact, I truly was a man trapped in a woman’s body. You said I wasn’t legitimately transgender: you’re right, because it isn’t real. No one is transgender. You can alter your outward appearance, but you cannot change your biology. That was what was devastating about surgery. I liked the results, they brought me some happiness, but I realized it wasn’t real. You are not a man, you simply appear to be one.

          Did you know that for a while the surgeries at Johns Hopkins had been stopped? Dr. Paul McHugh, the former chief of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Hospital, helped end the transgender surgeries at the hospital because he realized they weren’t helping anyone. “After studying the evidence (they had followed up with many post-op transgenders and re-evaluated them psychologically), McHugh decided that sex change surgery was bad medicine and was ‘fundamentally cooperating with mental illness.’ Psychiatrists, he thought, could better help patients with gender dysphoria by ‘trying to fix their minds and their genitalia.’ (When Harry Became Sally, Ryan Anderson). Later, this decision was reversed, not because of medical evidence, but because of political pressure.

          But let’s say it has brought you some peace. I didn’t find Jesus to get peace. He brought me peace. But i realized that I was damned to hell without Him. I was a sinner in need of a Savior, we all are. ““There is none righteous, not even one; 11 There is none who understands, There is none who seeks for God; 12 All have turned aside, together they have become useless; There is none who does good, There is not even one.”” (Romans 3:10-12).

          Jesus further asked a question, “For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” (Matthew 16:26). So you might feel at peace with how you are living, but ultimately God is your judge, not me. I am merely trying to warn you.

          One night as I thought about standing before Jesus He asked me, “If you stood before me tonight, what name would I call?” I was shocked by this question. I had never considered it. He reminded me of John chapter 1 where it says Jesus Christ Himself is the Creator. He said, “You cannot claim to love me, and yet reject my creation.” But in the most loving voice I have ever heard, He said, “Let me tell you who you are.” He created you, only He can define you. You cannot become something you’re not. You can fake it really good for a while. But eventually, you will find it is just as empty as all of the other pursuits of this world. You might be happy now, but unless you repent you will suffer eternally. what good will transition be then? When I left that lifestyle I didn’t have any desire to be a girl. It was so painful to face. But I knew I wanted eternal life with Jesus. I accepted a few years on this earth of what I thought would be nothing but pain and dysphoria for an eternal hope.

          We all have a desire to be something we’re not. We all have a desperate need to be transformed. That’s because we’re dead spiritually. Jesus said that no one can enter the Kingdom of Heaven unless he is born again (John 3). It is that transformation through the resurrecting power of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who rose from the dead to conquer sin that you need.

          You encourage parents to just trust their child because their child knows best. No child knows best. We all have to be taught. We have to be trained. Our hearts deceive us all the time. Our emotions lie to us. As for why it matters to me, I will spend every dying breath I can proclaiming freedom in Christ because He is the only way. Whether you love transition or not is irrelevant. Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” (John 14:6).

          You asked why am I trying to influence what other people need to find peace in their life. Because I don’t want them to make the mistakes that I did. Read Trans Life Survivors or the many other stories of sex change regret. You may not have experienced it yet, but i have known far too many to be convinced you won’t one day realize it isn’t real. You said, you are not hurting anyone by doing this, and yet you are, and deeply so. God created male and female distinctly different so that He could display for the world His image in two separate beings. We show the complete picture by coming together as male and female and become one flesh through a consummated marriage. But Satan would have you believe that you can be both within yourself and that you don’t need to do it God’s way. That is why trans people were called two-spirited in ancient days. By altering our created being, we are marring the image of God.

          1. You are so ugly and hideous inside and out – both as a man and a woman. Jesus would hate you and the spiteful judgment you bring to your life. Stop trying to change people. Live you life and let others do the say. You are not doing the work of the gospel, you are living in opposition to gods love and his plan for others.

  3. Keep fighting the good fight Laura. Truth will come to all eventually. It takes time for some like it did you. I am sad when people tell you who you are and who you are not. Why don’t they believe you when you say you really felt as though you were trans them came to truth. There is no such thing as trans. I learned something new today. Dissociative Disorder… I think that is happening to my son. He has other mental issues so this all makes sense. It is impossible and there is no proof like you said. I guess it’s why they say the truth hurts. God bless you and praying for you!

  4. I truly believe God blessed me with your testimony. My husband and I are the parents of a homosexual man. He plans to have a “wedding” this coming Halloween. I am Christian, my husband doesn’t attend Church, but I know he believes in God. I’m writing to you to please pray for our son to come to Jesus as you have been blessed.

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