When I started to fully surrender to Jesus, I remember seeing a sign on a church that read ” Jesus can turn your life around.” But the word life was backwards and upside down. Boy, oh boy that sign couldn’t have been more real. Today my life really has very little of my old life in it. I truly owe all the glory to my Abba, my Father, our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.
I came from a broken family, as many do. My mother worked a lot and also was married 3 times. She was the best mother she could be with the life she was given, so i thought growing up with a Biblical foundation. She really wasn’t the best advocate for godly children. But nonetheless, I still love her and hold some of the things she taught dear to my heart. Other things I take as a learning lesson. For example, her teaching us about mediums and witchcraft – one year she gave us tarot cards in our stocking for Christmas. Leviticus 19:31 says, “Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the lord.” Now it turned out that I was really good at them and also thought that I was a medium for a long time of my life. Today I am finding that when I use my gifts from God for God, they are way stronger and more abundant. When I used them for evil or my own good it only led to problems. But that’s a testimony for another day.
My dad, married 9 times, was never really there for us. I remember talking to him on the phone and always getting an excuse of why he couldn’t see us that weekend. I don’t think he really understood the role a dad has on a young man’s life. A father has an important role. He is the one who tells us what we are going to be, how we are going to turn out. If he is not there for that role, for that voice of affirmation, then that leaves the door open for someone else to play that role. And my life made a huge turn when another man stepped in and played that role. Sadly, that led me down a very disruptive path. I believe today that a father has a huge responsibility to his children. A father is a huge set of shoes to fill seeing that we shouldn’t call anyone father. (Matt 23:9 “and call no man your father upon earth: for one is your father, which is in heaven”)
When I was a teenager I was shown the love of a man, but unfortunately it wasn’t the love I needed for life. But, it did fill a spot that needed filled, just not in the right way. This one man’s “love” led me down a road to a life filled with shame, disgust for myself, depression, drugs, and even prostitution – and a list of other things. I kept looking to fill that void, but no matter what I did, I could never fill or be satisfied.
Years of broken, meaningless, abusive and (at times) disgusting homosexual relationships, I found the one who I thought I would be with for life. We were together for 9 years. I remember talking to him about getting married and then getting in a fight about why I didn’t believe in homosexual marriage. It was legal in Oregon at the time, and we could have been on the front lines of a huge movement in the U.S. But something deep inside me knew that it was wrong; marriage is a institution designed by God for a man and a woman. Even though I was living in that death style of homosexuality, I was not going to break my values. At the time I didn’t see myself as a Christian, but today I see that I was still being led by the Holy Spirit. Maybe it was because I was saved as a child at a local Christian camp and God never let me go. This statement showed me later in life that I made the choice to be a homosexual, not born that way. It was my choice to live a life of sin. But God still had his hand on me the whole time. I’ve done things that should have killed me or even gotten me killed – BUT GOD!! He never got mad at me. It was his love shown to me at the right time in my life that led me right back to my Father’s arms. HE KNEW WHAT IT WOULD TAKE TO GET ME TO SUBMIT.
It was March of ’08 when I lost my lover, he had a seizure, and went into a coma for 12 days. His parents decided to euthanize him. This started my downward spiral questioning everything. I lost it all. By all, I mean material things and spiritual things to drugs and men. I was desperately trying to fill that void again. Having no place to turn I called my mother. I will never forget that phone call. She picked up that phone and knew right away why I was calling. Never getting a word in, my mother replied with, “the check’s in the mail.” 2,563 miles between us and she knew I needed to come home. No joke the check was in the mail then next day. -GOD’S HAND.
When I got home, my mother, sticking to her tough love tactics wouldn’t let me move in with her. So, I moved in with my cousin who molested me as a child. He, nor I had ever dealt with it. We masked the situation with drugs and alcohol. I overdosed on alcohol, and in the hospital vowed to God that I would never touch that stuff again. But I kept going, and getting deeper and deeper in the drugs until my step grand father passed away. My grandmother needed someone to care for her and she asked me to move in with her. Again – GOD’S HAND.
This all happened in July of ’09 just 1 year and 5 months after Michael’s death. This could have given me an excuse to party harder then ever. But grandma had rules for me from the get go. No drugs, no sex, no drinking. I of course did all this behind her back. Needless to say I lied and did so for a long time.
Almost a year to the day after my grandfather’s death my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Thank God I was on probation for a D.U.I. I had gotten earlier that year because Lord knows what i would have done. I got to spend time with my mom before she passed. It was a great time of understanding and reflection that everyone should have before a parent leaves us. And I think that was God’s hand again in my life. Oct 29th, 2011 at 8:09 am: the moment my life changed forever. It was the moment my mom past away so peacefully. But still so young, not having a full life and passing away at the age of 52. Still her face is ingrained in my mind forever. It was like a 4 hour movie that I didn’t understand. This started me questioning everything all over again – turning to drugs, and everything that’s bad for you. I was running harder from the Lord’s calling into deeper lies, a more deviant sexual lifestyle, harder drugs, etc… Until one day my shame and guilt put a 12 gauge shot gun in my mouth ready to end it all. But I did not wanting to face my future consequences and I began praying aloud for God’s forgiveness. I heard his voice say, “I have plans for you”. Wailing my eyes out, I set the gun down and opened my Facebook app on my phone to a post that a friend had shared that read:
“There is nothing “gay” about homosexuality, it’s a death style”.
Then Proverbs 16:25: “there is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.”
That post came from a friend who posted a post from a friend of theirs that they saw on a page from a ministry called I Belong, Amen Ministries. I had never met that person before. But he came to baptize me for the first time in March of 2015. It was his obedience to God that saved my life that day. -GOD’S HAND!
I’ve repented from my sins. I’m living a life worthy of his love and death on the cross. Repentance is like turning and walking into a wave: it’s harder to walk and has constant resistance. But like I hear all the time, “this faith walk ain’t no cake walk”.
The love and acceptance I’ve gotten from my church family has kept me going on the hard days. The church is truly a family I never knew I had. Today I’m in a biblically-based relationship with a Proverbs 31 woman I never thought I would have. We are now engaged to be married in June of 2019 – Praise the Lord!!
I’m submitted to:
New beginnings church Fairview, Pa
Under Pastor Paul Friend
In God’s love always,
Timothy E. Robison